I want the church to be a Name Shame Free Zone. “Name Shame” isn’t about anyone being ashamed of their name. It’s about that awkward experience of talking to someone, or seeing them across the way, and realizing you have no idea what their name is.
The awkwardness happens because you think you should know their name. You’ve been in the same church, or classroom, or music-making group for “a while” now. You recognize their face. You might even know their spouse’s name, or their kid’s. But, dagnabbit, you can’t retrieve it.
And your next thought is, “It’s too late to ask them.” Because no matter what, you aren’t willing to admit to this person that you don’t know, have forgotten, never knew(!) their name. (Admit it; you’re thinking of two or three people right now that you feel all this about!)
This is what I call “Name Shame.” And I want the church to be a Name Shame Free Zone. It gets in the way of our conversations and in our life together. The “Shame” part of Name Shame makes us reticent to reach out to that person whom Jesus has told us to love.
Here’s how we become a Name Shame Free Zone. It’s a really simple, two-step process that requires courage and compassion on both sides.
STEP ONE, if you’re talking to a person and you don’t know their name, ask them. You can preface it with, “This is terribly embarrassing, but….” (Although there’s a little “Name Shame” in that, so you don’t have to go there.) You could say, “It’s way too long since I’ve known you to be asking you this question, but would you please remind me of your name?”
Or you could start out with, “I would never have asked you this, but Pastor Lee says I’m supposed to, and who wants to argue with her?”! And then you can roll your eyes at your pastor’s pushiness (or worse) and exchange names like civilized people.
Try it. The sky won’t fall. Your head won’t spin around.
STEP TWO, if you’re talking to a person who admits they don’t know your name, even if your first thought wants to be “Seriously?,” be kind! Look around at the room and notice how many people have names you don’t know, even though you probably should. Say a little prayer of thanks that this other person dared to ask you, and cares enough about you and about this church to ask you! And then very generously tell them your name, ask theirs if you don’t know it(!), and let the conversation proceed in a good direction.
(See what I did there?! A lot of the time, the person who can’t remember your name has a name you don’t remember either!)
It’s that simple. Two easy steps. A bit of humility and dose of kindness.
One more thing that I’ve found helpful: When you’re meeting a person and they tell you their name, pay attention. I’m pretty sure the #1 reason that we don’t remember names is that we don’t even really hear them. Our brains are buzzing with whatever we are preoccupied with, and we barely hear. Maybe it’s a noisy room and we couldn’t catch what they said, and we’re reluctant to ask them to repeat it. Ask them anyway. Try to use their name back to them in the first two sentences you say after you meet. “It’s nice to meet you, Methuselah.” It helps solidify it in your brain.
Especially with increasingly diverse names and ethnicities in our midst, this is an important practice if it’s an unfamiliar name. If you aren’t sure about the pronunciation, try it out. Let go of your perfectionism; just try. Help them see that you want to get it right. Be kind to that person if they can’t bear this one more instance of someone not getting it; the kindness part of this goes both ways.
Jesus made it clear that we are to love our neighbors (Mark 12.31, e.g.), and love one another (John 13.34, e.g.). I don’t think he meant that in theory. “Love all those nameless people that live in your neighborhood.” Real love has to mean something more than that.
A Name Shame Free Zone is a step in that direction. I’ll be practicing these same steps, myself.
